Whittling Contest/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: The time is now. The place is here. And, of course, it's b.Y.O.B. What else when you're at the red green lodge for "the red green show," starring my uncle and the renowned raconteur -- well, he's a bit long-winded for my liking, but sarah burton wanted way too much money for what we wanted. Anyway, the owner of the red green lodge and the star of "the red green show," mr. Red green! Thank you very much. Thank you. Welcome to the show. Thank you, harold, for that interesting introduction. I surely hope I can live down to it. No problem, uncle red. Why don't you come on over here a minute, harold? I'll introduce you. For those of you who have never seen the show before, which is about everybody, according to the ratings, harold here is the producer, director, and also my nephew, which sort of tells you, is a bit of a huge favor involved in the show here. I think it would only be fair to also mention that I control these elaborate video-effects equipment that keeps the show young and hip. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a-a! I do it to move on to the next segment, or if I feel this current segment is failing to sustain the interests of our ever-increasing viewer demand... Yes, not right now, harold, because you introduced me as a raconteur, and I have to racont a while before we move on. Oh, okay. I'm just gonna play with my ax a little bit while you racont, but I will be listening. Larry? You hear me, right? Okay. All right, well, up at the lodge last night, it was getting late, but we didn't really want to go to bed, and there weren't enough dice for yahtzee, uh, so we decided to have a whittling contest. Uh-huh. Sorry. Oh, was that you, larry? All right, so, we all went out looking for a piece of wood that we could carve into something, and we said that 11:00 would be the cutoff. You had to have your entry in by then, and first prize would be that your entry didn't go into the fire. Harold, you took us into the next segment. Oh, sorry, uncle red. Larry, don't! [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ jams and jellies and candies and sweets ♪ ♪ nutmeg and easter egg and assorted meats ♪ ♪ chocolates and macaroons and various unidentified treats ♪ ♪ I think it's time someone washed these sheets ♪ this week on "handyman corner," I'm gonna take you outside and show you how to change a flat tire. Everybody gets a flat tire quite often, actually. Maybe you got it from, uh, tailgating one of them glass-delivery trucks or maybe you run over an animal while he was yawning. I got this one from old man sedgwick picking his toenails and throwing them out the window. Anyway, uh, the first step here is to, uh, get the hubcap off there. All right, now, uh, this particular wheel has been on the truck, uh, since I bought her new. And, now, some people say you should rotate the tires. I don't really understand that. I mean, they get rotated while you're -- I mean, I think some people just look for work. But with them being on there that long, these nuts are rusted on there like a cowflap on a waffle iron. So what we need to do is, uh, throw in some penetrating oil. And I say, you know, if you're gonna put penetrating oil on it, uh, there's no sense being skimpy, holding back. You got to really, really soak it in there, and, you know, we like soaking things, uh, up at the lodge. I mean, for the price of a can of this stuff, you know, it's -- it's very, very cost-effective. But, uh... Ohhhh. I love the smell of this stuff. You know, and it's starting to loosen me up a little, too. Give me a minute. All right, now. Okay, maybe I -- maybe I used a little too much of the penetrating oil there. Anyway, now we got to loosen off the nuts here. Uh, all right. All right. That'll do her. Uh, now I got the tire iron. Put the tire iron on there. It's a simple tool, but it's a useful tool, like my brother-in-law. All right. [ grunting ] all right. All right, what we're finding now is that the, uh, nuts on this wheel are tighter than, say, the disks on my spine. So, uh, we got to switch the law of the lever, which is, uh -- "it's not working, leave her." all right, uh... What I do now is, uh, stick this pipe on. Stick this pipe on. This adds some, uh, leverage, and I can really, uh -- really horse this down now. Oh. Really horse her. Really, really...Horse her down. All right. It's going. It's going, going, going, going, going. [ grunts ] well, as confucius say, "if at first you don't succeed, switch to power tools." a power ratchet, rocket winch, racket wrench, racket wrench, syringe. Put that on here, and -- oh! Oh! All right, just a little... [ buzzing ] oh. Uh, all right. What we're gonna have to do is switch to an innovative alternative to the normal tire-changing technology, and this will require the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. [ duct tape rips ] [ grunts ] what we do is, uh, we've duct-taped the spare tire right on to the flat there. Of course, now, this is only temporary, unless it works. So, that's got her done. Uh, remember, until the next time -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ engine turns over ] [ tires screech ] we'll be right back with the results of the whittling contest. If there's time. We can only hope. [ thunder crashes ] "it is spring. "the groundhog comes out of his hole and sees his shadow. "it is the shadow of my right front tire. "that means winter will last another six weeks, but not for him." so, uh, as I was saying earlier, uh, we had the judging for the whittling contest at about 11:00. Uh, stinky peterson went first. He held up a tree branch that he'd carved out of the coffee table. Did a heck of a nice job on it, too. And old man sedgwick got up, but he didn't have anything to show because he thought we'd said "whistling" contest. And he was real mad because he'd gone the whole evening without eating crackers, and he had taken his teeth out, which explained why moose thompson couldn't get comfortable in the naugahyde recliner. Excuse me, uncle red. I don't mean to interrupt the flow of this fascinating story you're articulating so well, but I was just wondering -- I've got a little problem. Do you know what this control does? No, I don't, harold. It does that. How you doing, glen? Hello, red. How'd you like to take a ride in the rv? Dolores is all ready to go. Dolores? Are you taking the ex-wife? No. [ laughs ] my rv is dolores. My ex-wife's name's, uh... Something else. Anyway, she's all gassed up, oiled up, washer-fluid up, battery-acid up -- ready to go. Oh, my gosh. Want to get going? We can just jump on the road. No, no. Can't do it. Can't do it, glen. I'm kind of tied up today, but I need this outboard motor fixed, you know. Oh, well, red, uh, geez. I'm a little busy, red. Oh, glen, I'm really strapped. I need this. I need this done. Well, I got a lot of jobs to do, red. You're gonna have to take a number. Well, all right. Uh, where's the numbers? Oh, right. Yeah -- that's the first job I got to do is find a place for that rack with the numbers. Well, uh, maybe you could just take a quick look-see. I think it's kind of -- the pull cord, I think, has come off the wheel. See, she kind of... Right. Yeah. Like that. Well, a new motor's gonna cost $1,200, red. Yeah. Well, I was just kind of thinking we'd just get this one fixed. We're a little strapped for cash up at the lodge. Oh, right. Okay. Uh, well, you'd better grab my tools. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. All right. Oh, that's not good for the motor, red. [ grunts ] okay. Watch the rv. Uh, yeah. Um... What do you suggest? Oh, I'll get an apple box here, red. Yeah. That's what we'll do. Okay, great. Oh, great. Oh, thanks a lot. That's great. That's super. That's super. I'll just get... Uh... Pull cord. Uh... I thought you were gonna get my tools. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. All right. Okay. Could you grab me a root beer in there, red? Yeah, sure. Boy, if it's not one thing, it's another in this business. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ if you're happy and you know it ♪ ♪ get up out of your chair and get in your car ♪ ♪ and get the hell away from here as fast as you can ♪ ♪ if you're happy and you know it ♪ ♪ get up out of your chair and get in your car ♪ ♪ out of here ♪ ♪ and get the hell away from here as fast as you can ♪ ♪ happy ♪ ♪ if you're happy and you know it ♪ ♪ get up out of your chair ♪ car -- get in! ♪ get in your car ♪ ♪ get the hell away from here as fast as you can ♪ quicker than that, even. All right. That went well. Oh, uncle red, this is so great. It's viewer mail time. This is my favorite part of the show, and many people's, as well, 'cause this has gone from potential liability to an obvious highlight in the program, to which I attribute only the fact that I have added so many production values, and everything that's happening is due to me. I truly believe that. Just read the letter, harold. I'll just get right to the letter, I suppose. See, that's good, 'cause you're helping with the pacing and stuff. That's really great that you remind me of those things. This letter today is from quebec. "dear rouge vert... "I'm trying to understand your show, "but the language is so confusing. "could you please help me? "tell me the difference between a mountain lion, a puma, and a cougar." well, harold, basically, the spelling. Other than that, those three are all the same animal. What? What do you mean by that? Like, they're in the same family or something? 'cause they're not the same animal, unless, of course, I completely misunderstood my mammals volume of the time life books I got at the I.G.A. No, those are the same animal, harold. See, in english, we have slang words. So, we'll say "groundhog" or we'll call it a gopher. It's the same animal. Or a deer, we'll call it a doe, a stag, or a buck. Uh, if you have a camel with one hump, we call that a dromedary. If a camel has three humps, we call the national enquirer. And, of course, with a beaver, we'll call that a muskrat or a badger, but they're all the same animal. You sure, uncle red? Oh, yeah, yeah. And another thing people don't realize is that a moose and an elk and a mountain goat, all three of those are the -- they're the same animal. And also a woodpecker. All four of those, actually, are the same animal. Oh, no way. No, that can't possibly be. I don't even believe that. No way. I think there's a dramatic difference between a woodpecker and a mountain goat. Are you calling me a liar, harold? Oh, no, no, no, uncle red. No, no. I wouldn't call you a liar. Just, you know, you could be operating under sheer ignorance. Oh, okay. That's all right. [ film projector clicking ] red: Something a little different on the "adventures with bill" this week. Uh, bill thought he'd show you that he's a bit of a sport, bit of a natural -- well, not really natural at anything, I guess, but he thought he'd show you about water skiing. You know, I think maybe cleaning off the dock uh, might have been... Well, you know. Anyway, he gets himself set up there. This is the way he's gonna take off. A little bit easier. Now, he wanted to explain to me the hand signals. Speed up. Slow down. Uh, go straight. Turn left. I got bored with it. Anyway, whatever. And then this stuff, I'm just... Anyway, he's all set, throws the rope in and gives me the signal, and I love this part. I just love just giving it the gas. Yeah. And, oh. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, my. [ whining ] [ blows ] that's a shame. That's a shame. So, he puts some, uh, goalie gloves on to make it a little easier on the fingers, but then I couldn't get the signal. Okay. I got it. Oh, love this part. Yeah, yeah. And away we go. But, look, his ski got jammed between the boards on the dock there, and what a shame. Aaaaah! Water skiing's kind of dangerous. He tried to get a little closer to the edge this -- well...Oh, oh. Uh, maybe a little too close. Now he sits farther back so he won't -- oh, looks good, looks good, looks good. Oh, oh, oh. Well, I think he's okay. You okay, bill? Yeah, yeah. He's fine. All right. This was a misunderstanding. He was, uh, bringing a ski in, and he gave me the signal meaning he had the ski, but I thought -- 'cause I love this part, you know. And, oh, boy. I felt bad. Yow! Uh, he's okay, though. Now he's finally figured he'll sit on the edge of the dock, and that way he can control it better. Give me then -- this is away we go. Oh, boy. Love the boat. Love it. Uh, what he didn't notice, I guess, and I didn't either, was that the rope was kind of tied around, and I was kind of busy driving there, and I think he just kind of got ready for a big jolt there. But it was actually -- oh, oh, ow. Oh, my goodness. And, uh, bill's okay, you know. He's, uh, tied up for the weekend. Okay. First we got to flip the cover off this motor. Take a little quick look inside here. Flip them up. This here? That's it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. All right. Okay. Now we need the cordless drill. Oh, that's right here. And I need the buffing wheel. [ tools clattering ] okay. Now I want you to slap these together. Okay. This just, uh -- it'll go straight here and clips in? Is that how she works? That's it. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now, can you take that up to the front and just buff the bumper while I, uh, fix the motor? You want me to do that? Well, red, I'm taking time off from cleaning the rv to fix your motor. All right. All right. Fair enough. [ buffer whirring ] not too hard. What? Don't take the paint right off the bumper -- not too hard. Oh. [ buffer whirring ] how's it going? Oh, just taking a break. Letting the lubricants get to the bolts. Oh, all right. I'll just, uh -- I'll just go finish up, then. Just get underneath. Can you get underneath? I like it nice and clean underneath. Yeah. All that road slime gets up there. Yeah. [ buffer whirring ] [ burps ] [ whirring stops ] okay, red. I'm finished. Great, great. Yeah, me too. Uh, so, what's the word here? Well, you see the cord there? Yeah. Take it off, tie a knot in the end of it, put it back on the wheel. Should be fine, ready to go. Uh, well, what did you do, glen? Well, I replaced the housing, cleaned out the valves, and cleaned up the prop back there. Well, that was real fast. That was -- that was incredibly fast. That was almost too fast, wasn't it? Well, can I take you for a ride now? No. I think you just did, glen. "it is spring. [ thunder crashes ] "as I look from my window, "I see dogs mating on my front lawn, "cats mating on the shed roof, "moose running in the forest. "I watch, mildly bemused. Then I go to the workshop and design a new trailer hitch." [ clears throat ] I have a dream. I have a dream! Do you know who said that? Larry hagman? [ horseshoe clanks ] man: Hey, watch it, red! No. "I have a dream" was said by martin luther king. I have a dream, too. It's a dream where I'm running down a hall and I'm naked, you know, and I'm being chased by all these people, people of different creeds and colors and sexes and income brackets and sexual orientations, and it's huge -- there's a lot of people chasing. It's like a stadium emptied on me or something. Does the story have a twist ending, harold, like, you know, for example, a point? Oh, yeah. [ cat yowls ] yeah. I just think that people shouldn't be judged by the color of their skin or the shade of their skin or the condition of their skin. So my point is, I don't like being called "zit face." you're oversensitive, harold. Yeah, but -- no, because I don't think you should make fun of pimples, 'cause "acne" is only one letter different than "acme," which is, like, the best, or one letter more than the word "ace," which is numero uno -- also, the best. Yeah. Well, I agree with that, harold. I think your pimples are the best I've seen. Exactly. [ splash ] well, it looks like we won't have time to get back to that whittling-contest story. So, stay tuned. That's a shame. Instead, I'm gonna whittle harold into something useful. That's a shame. What did you do again? Well, I just -- I had to -- I took this off... Yeah. ...Cleaned it. Yeah. I replaced the housing. That's the same housing. Yeah. Well, no. I took it off and then put it back on. That's what I meant by replacing. Why? Well, 'cause it needed tightened up. And then I took the valves, and so, I cleaned those. There's no valves in this motor. It's a 2-cycle -- no valves. Oh, well, no. I meant these here. I always get valves and spark plugs all mixed up. I took them out, took a little sandpaper, and put them back in. You took out these spark plugs? That's the one, yeah. Without taking the wires off? Oh, yeah. That's easy enough to do. Just give it a good "oomph" on it. It comes right out. And, of course, when you put them back in, got to get a hammer. How much you gonna charge me for this, glen? Oh, let's see. My hourly rate and, uh, the parts... I'd like to, uh, say a few words to you teenagers out there. I hope I caught you between music videos. Now, this is just simple. Stay in school. Stay in school. School gets out at 3:30. Stay an extra hour. It's not gonna kill you. Maybe you can go down to the library, open a thick book. You don't have to read it. It just makes an impression, especially if there's hardly any pictures in it. Believe me, you're a lot better off staying in school than you are going over to a friend's garage and making bombs out of gunpowder and copper pipes. You're not gonna lose a finger in the library... Unless somebody punches you in the nose. Stay in school. Your teachers did, and they're not doing too bad. They get the whole summer off. Stay in school. So, anyway, 11:00 rolled around, and it was time to add up all the votes for the whittling contest, and, golly, we had a six-way tie until we decided that you couldn't vote for your own, and then, uh, buster hatfield come in third. He had whittled a cane out of a 60-foot oak tree. And then, uh, stinky peterson took second prize with a dinner plate that he'd whittled out of the outhouse door. Actually, he would have won, but the food kept falling through the moon-shaped hole. But the big guy, moose thompson, took first prize, uh, when, in an attempt to carve a big block of granite, he had whittled his whittling knife into an ice pick. So, it was a great -- anyway, if my wife is watching, I'm gonna be coming straight home after the show, so, uh, leave the porch light on if my folks are there, and I'll just keep circling the block till they leave. And if my folks are watching, uh, see you soon. Thanks a lot for watching, and on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.